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  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Lesson of the Butterfly

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Epilogue

  Playlist

  Acknowledgments

  About The Author

  Also By Lisa Shelby

  MORE

  Copyright © 2017 Lisa Shelby Books, LLC

  ISBN: 978-0-9980953-3-2 (paperback)

  ISBN: 978-0-9980953-4-9 (ebook)

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

  Except for the original material written by the author, all songs, song titles, and lyrics mentioned in the novel More are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

  Cover Design, Interior Design & Formatting by:

  Kiss & Tell Design Lab

  Editor:

  Laura Allison

  For A.

  One of the strongest people I know. If only there were more humans in the world like you.

  Also, for my amazing husband.

  I will ALWAYS love you MORE

  Letting go of old behavior and expounding into the next phase of existence. Each of us transforms through multiple stages in our life. It is only through exertion that we emerge into who we will be next.

  ~ The Lesson of the Butterfly

  PROLOGUE

  Unsteady

  2007

  I can hear the sirens in the distance.

  I can’t believe I made the call.

  But I had no other choice.

  Dad collapsed right in front of me and had what looked like a heart attack. There was always an unspoken promise in our house that what happened behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors. Tonight was different. I knew I had to get help before it was too late or dad may not make it.

  After years of praying that something would happen to him so that the nightmare that was my mother’s life would end…I just couldn’t let him die. The moment came and I couldn’t just stand by and watch him die.

  Waiting on the front steps of our modest two story home in the suburbs of Portland, I can see the red and blue lights in the distance and I can hear the sound of the sirens. It’s a balmy night, but I can feel myself shaking. My nerves are on edge and I really don’t know what I’m going to say when they get here.

  I feel so much older than my eighteen years, but keeping family secrets will do that to a kid. Nobody knows what happens in our happy-from-the-outside-looking-in home. My best friends, who I know I can trust with my life, have no clue. I know calling for help could potentially let our family secret out but what was I supposed to do?

  There’s no more time to think about it. They’re here. The police car pulls into the driveway and I can see the ambulance is coming up the street as well. The officer on the passenger side of the police cruiser gets out first. He’s a middle-aged man with gray hair and a pot belly. He rounds the car and heads my way.

  “Are you the person that called for assistance, ma’am?”

  “I am, thank you for getting here so quickly. He’s in here,” I say as I turn to lead him through the front door and to my father.

  I’m stopped in my tracks when I hear a deep familiar voice come from behind me.

  “Alex, is that you?”

  No! This cannot be happening. Of all of the officers that could show up tonight, why him?

  I continue walking, purposely not turning around. I’m not ready to face him. I’ve never been ready to face him.

  Why is this happening?

  Is this really happening?

  “Alex,” he shouts again.

  As I cross the threshold I hear, “Excuse us, ma’am.”

  The paramedics have arrived and are pushing their way through the door. I push myself into the door jam and make myself as small as possible to let them by. They rush to my father’s side while my mother cries over the top of him. It’s all happening so fast, and I’m so overwhelmed that it feels like my head is full of cotton. My father has collapsed, our family’s secret is being revealed, and all of it while the boy I have pined over since I was twelve years old is here to witness the whole thing.

  “Alex,” he says as he grabs my shoulder and slowly turns me around to face him. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

  “I’m fine, Mick. My dad needs help though. He just started slurring his words and then collapsed in front of us,” I reply back. I’m trying to use my long hair as a shield to cover the right side of my face so he doesn’t notice my eye starting to swell shut.

  “Okay, let me get in there and see what I can find out for you, and we’ll see that he gets treated well.”

  To my momentary relief, he leaves me standing in the entryway while he makes his way into the family room to check on my dad. I slowly walk behind him and am just entering the room when I see him take in the complete picture of what’s happened here tonight. It’s not too different from any other random Tuesday night. The only difference tonight is that it wasn’t just my mom that was in my dad’s line of fire, and for the first time 911 was called.

  They’ve moved mom aside so that the paramedics can work on my dad, and Mick is standing with the other officer who is questioning her. My sweet, petite mom, who currently has a split lip, bruised cheek, a ripped blouse and an eye that is about to swell shut. Dad is usually better at strategically placing his marks on her. My ‘always in control’ father seemed somewhat out of control tonight before he fell to the ground.

  Mick turns, and as soon as his eyes land on mine I can see them darken. He moves through the room, and in my shocked state it feels like he’s moving in slow-motion as he walks right toward me.

  “Alex, talk to me,” he says once he’s standing in front of me.

  He’s mere inches from me. It’s a place I have always dreamed of him being, but in this moment…in this moment I wish he wasn’t here.

  “Alex, what happened here tonight? Talk to me. It’s just me.”

  Keeping my gaze towards the floor, I answer him the only way I know how. “Thank you, Mick. We’re fine. We just want to make sure my dad is going to be okay.”

  Not letting me get away with my lack of eye contact, he uses his forefinger to lift my chin and in the same motion moves my hair out of my face to push it behind my ear. That’s when he sees it. My eye clearly looks as bad as it feels if his reaction is any indication.

  “Shit,” he whispers. “Alex, did your dad do this to you?”

  I’ve dreamed of this moment my entire life. The moment Mickey Jacobs would gently touch my face and look me in the eye while tucking my hair behind my ear. But in my dreams he wasn’t seething with anger. No
, in my dreams he was looking at me with love and desire.

  “Alex, answer me,” he yell-whispers in my ear.

  I’m given a moment’s reprieve as the medics lift my dad onto a gurney and start to wheel him out of the house. One of the medics stays behind and asks my mom if she would like to ride in the back of the ambulance with him, and of course she does. On her way past me she touches my arm and simply says, “It’s okay Alexandra…no more secrets, my darling girl. It’s your time to live your life and let me take care of all of this.” She makes this last statement while making a twirling motion with her finger. She leans forward, kisses me on the cheek and follows the medics out the front door. To an outsider she looks like a distraught, abused woman but I can see the relief settle in. I actually see a new light in her eyes. A light I don’t recall ever seeing before.

  I’m not sure why, but I feel like everything is about to change for the two of us. All I’ve ever wanted was for Mom to be safe and happy. As horrible as it sounds, I feel the weight of my mother’s pain and our family’s secret lightly lift off of my shoulders as I watch them put my father into the back of the ambulance.

  The other officer approaches me with a small notepad in one hand and a pen in the other. “Miss Stotts, I’m Officer Truman. If you don’t mind we’d like to ask you a few questions about what happened here tonight? Your mother explained the fight that took place between her and your father and that you were caught in the middle of it all. Could you tell me what happened from your perspective? We can also give you a lift to the hospital if you need one.”

  “Thank you for the offer, but I can drive myself,” I reply ignoring his first question.

  “If you’re sure, Miss Stotts, but do let us know if you change your mind. So, tell us what happened tonight.”

  I look at Mick, who hasn’t left my side, and he gives me a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. He rubs my arm and gives me a nod of his head that encourages me to go ahead and share my story. My story. Nobody was ever supposed to know my story.

  “Um, well…my mom was in the kitchen cleaning up and my dad was trying to watch TV but couldn’t hear it because she accidentally let a cupboard shut a little too loudly. Dad got out of his chair and started yelling at her. He hit her across the face and she stumbled back against the refrigerator, and then he started to choke her. I ran up behind him to try to pull him off of her, and he turned around and hit me. I fell to the floor and he was back to hitting mom. He was hitting her in the stomach, but then he hit her in the face and she fell to the floor too. All of the sudden he was trying to yell at the both of us, but his words started to slur and he was stumbling. Before I knew it, he was on the ground and looked like he was having some sort of seizure or something.”

  I stop my rambling and Officer Truman asks, “Was this the first time something like this has happened?”

  “No.”

  “How many times before has this happened, Alex?” This time it’s Mick that asks the question.

  “He doesn’t usually hit me, but he hits Mom often.”

  “For how long, Alex?”

  I’m too embarrassed to answer. I’ve never wanted anybody to know that my entire childhood has been full of fear and heartbreak. Watching your mother be mentally and physically abused most of your life isn’t exactly something other people understand or relate to. Yes, he hits me too…but not often. Usually only when things get too rough and I step in to try to help Mom.

  “Alex,” Mick asks again, but gently.

  I just look at him and shake my head back and forth as the tears start to stream steadily down my face.

  Shame.

  I am so ashamed.

  Not a moment later I feel Mick’s strong arms holding me at the same instant I feel my knees go weak. If his arms weren’t around me I would be in a puddle on the floor.

  “I got you, sweet thing. Shhh…I’m here, Alex. You’re gonna be okay.”

  Mickey freaking Jacobs is holding me in his arms and just called me “sweet thing”. If only it wasn’t for all the wrong reasons. He feels bad for me and he’s comforting me out of pity. Pity is something that I always feared seeing in the eyes of those I care about if they knew what happened in the Stotts household. I’ve managed to make it almost 19 years without being the recipient of their pity, and I’d really like to keep it that way.

  I pull myself away from the one pair of arms I have always dreamed of being in and look up into his deep brown eyes. “Mick, please don’t pity me and please don’t tell Cam and Emily.” There are only two secrets that I have kept from my two best friends, Cami and Emily. The first, the truth about what happens behind the closed doors of my home. The second, the fact that I have been in love with Emily’s brother, Mick, since the first time my twelve-year-old eyes met his fourteen-year-old eyes.

  “I won’t say anything, Alex, but you know you can trust them. They love you like a sister and they would be there for you. They wouldn’t pity you. They would do whatever they could to help you. You know that, right?”

  “I do know that, Mick. But I’m not ready.”

  “Well, if you don’t want to talk to them you can always talk to me. You’re practically family, and if you ever need anything at all, just call.”

  And there it is. I was “practically family”. He thinks of me like a sister yet I will forever be in love with him.

  Such is life…

  My life anyway…

  CHAPTER

  ONE

  Hypnotize

  Mick

  August 2015

  “Hey, Riley!” I yell over the noise of the crowd.

  Kells is packed tonight and its nights like these that I thank my lucky stars. When your best friend is the bartender and Assistant Manager at one of your favorite bars, you count yourself lucky. Kells isn’t a nightclub, but an old Irish pub that is a classic here in Portland and always packed on weekend nights.

  “Whatcha need, Mick?” Riley yells from behind the bar.

  Leaning over the bar, to make sure he can hear me, I yell back. “Emmers and the girls are going to be here tonight. Make sure all their drinks and whatever else they want go on my tab.”

  While slowly, yet perfectly, putting the finishing touches on a black and tan he replies. “Will do, Mick. It’s good to have Emily back! I can’t wait to see that baby sister of yours, and Ireland too. I can’t even imagine how big she is now. I’ll make sure everybody knows you got the girls covered.” He turns his attention to the middle-aged man in front of him and slides him his drink. “Here you go, O’Keeffe.”

  Tonight is gonna be a great night. All my friends are here and my baby sister should be here any minute. She’s been living in California for the last eight years, and I am so relieved to have her and my niece back home. Home. Right where they belong. Emily has been through a lot and I’m glad she’s finally listening to reason and letting me help. I know she thinks that living with me will be a nightmare, and she’s hesitant about the whole idea. But what she doesn’t know is that I’m starting to grow tired of my lifestyle of partying and sleeping around. Having them at my place is just what I need to start this whole process of growing up. I don’t plan on ever getting tied down or doing the whole marriage thing, but I do know that I spend too many of my nights sneaking out of dark bedrooms in strange houses.

  I just moved a few weeks ago and am now a proud homeowner. That feels like the first step, and having the girls at my place will be the second. I hope I’m not kidding myself, but we’ll see what happens. Tonight, my mom is watching Ireland so that Emily could come out and meet all of my buddies from work. Many of them she already knows from growing up with a dad who worked for the department but there is a new generation of officers she doesn’t. Cops are a tight group. Like a family really. She needs to meet them all sooner than later and tonight is the night.

  I can’t help but anxiously watch the front door. I’d be lying if I said it was just because I was waiting for Emily to get here. The truth is, I know
that Alex will be with her and it’s been too long. There is just something about Alexandra Stotts. Always has been.

  The first time I ever met her she was nothing but a gangly, little twelve-year-old. But there was still something about her that drew my arrogant fourteen-year-old self to her. Back then I was too cool to have liked one of my sister’s annoying little friends, but I always knew she was something special.

  Now, my twenty-eight-year-old self, is standing here waiting for her to walk through the door so I can watch her from a distance. From a distance…just like I always have…well, except for that one night seven years ago.

  2008

  90’s night at Lola’s Room, one floor down from the Crystal Ballroom, is not my usual idea of a fun Saturday night. But the chick that Riley is dating wanted to come, so here we are. I’m a sucker for 90’s R&B and Hip Hop, so I couldn’t really argue when Riley pointed out there would be 90’s tunes, a bar, and a dance floor full of chicks. Works for me and here we are.

  I’m standing off to the side, checking out the scene that I can instantly tell isn’t really my thing. The dance floor does provide some entertainment, and there are some decent looking women here, but nobody is really grabbing my attention. The crowd is a bit older than I’m used to. I’m only twenty-one and getting to go out is a great time no matter what at this point, but I think I’m going to head out as soon as I can get Riley’s attention.

  Riley and She Whose Name I Can Never Remember, are currently slow dancing to an old Jodeci song and I just don’t have it in me to interrupt what they have going on. Riley really seems to be into this girl, and I know I should get to know her, but Riley and I never keep any chick around for too long, so I haven’t really made an effort. She doesn’t seem to be my biggest fan either, so…why bother?